sinking solitude-4.15.24
this is the first entry since my sites “official” partial upload and rehaul so hello april!! happy autism awareness and appreciation month! also sad i missed doing an entry for tdov (trans day of visibility) moving onto the more grueling part of this entry, ive been trapped in this horrible suicidal funk for almost a week and a half now. i dont talk to anyone, i dont want to. and even if i had, i dont know how. thats what isolation does to your already deteriorating social skills but i digress.
my “whatever” attitude that comes with these episodes isnt holding weight, ive stopped talking to anyone unless its on my story, it feels like a comfortable outlet there, which is daunting because its INSTAGRAM i shouldnt find solace in that hellish app to express myself. id talked to my gf over the past few days but our conversations only ever consisted of me wanting to be fixed, and her telling me my emotions werent something that needed to or could be fixed so easily. i'd get sick after a little too i guess, plus she has a life outside which is what i lack hence the clinging.
i dont want to be isolated, but i dont want to be around people while i hold all this hatred for life, i dont know when it will go away, or at least die down. im not even sure if i can sum it up as possible PMDD (premenstral dysphoric disorder) being the cause anymore. i need to take better care of my mental health and its showing really ugly now. autism only makes it harder, little things should not put me on the edge of my existence, but they do.
im working on booking my first doctors appointment to work my way up to getting properly assessed and diagnosed so i can have an inkling of what the hell is going on and how to go forward and get better. i want to spend some time outside too, doing regular adult/teen stuff! drinking, smoking, partying with my friends, all the taboo stuff they scare you away from. even my mom said i should be normalizing these experiences in my younger years (within safety and reason ofc) so hopefully i get to live soon! also cant wait to do my blue braids next week, i wanna style them like @kmoriorz’s sonic gijinka (guess my special interest)
exclusively, luci.
tragic comedy-4.19.24
today once again was very uneventful past 6am. from 11pm last night to around 4am this morning, i worked on this site! i got a lot of productive stuff done which-thankfully kept my mind occupied for the most part. distractions can only go so far before the same old trick loses its magic.
that being said, eventually when it stopped working, my mind wandered to the places it usually does, and i thought to myself. ive made a lot of friends + connections through humor, and my comedy. and while its a nice feeling to make people laugh, what happens when my humor loses its touch?
being funny is one of the things that won my girlfriend over. and im sure the crowd can see where this entry is headed. if im no longer funny to her, how would they perceive me? how would anyone perceive me if being funny was no longer something i could do or be good at doing like i am now.
i dont care for others opinion per say, my perception of self can falter at times and im forced to become painfully aware of characteristics i’d been avoiding.
exclusively, luci.
